Error of Psyche
by Hyatt Insomnia
Summary: ~complete~ Shonen-ai. Jounouchi/Seto. Jou and Seto muse over their strange relationship called "release".
1. Double Edge Sword

Error of Psyche

Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I promise, they're not mine

Warnings: Demented version of shonen-ai, lime…ish. 

Notes: Writers block was getting the better of me, so I wrote this to try and fight it off. I don't think it worked very well I'm still stuck on everything else I was working on yet I have the urge to write. Anyways, here we have yet another S/J fanfiction from me, except this time it's Jounouchi/Seto! Jou's POV. 

Enjoy if you can.

~*~*~

You're still the emotionless shell you where when we first got together. That is, if you could even say we're 'together'. We have a significant detachment in our relationship. You wanted a way to lose control without ever really loosing it. Where as I on the other hand just wished to be able to be close to one without feeling as if I owed them anything.

Funny how perfect we seem for each other, isn't it? Alas there is one great flaw to that inquisition. I hate you. I hate you and am pretty damn sure that you hate me in all of the same ways. I suppose that makes us even more perfect for one another then I had originally thought.

People do, after all, say that there's a thin line between love and hate. I've always thought that anyone who believed that was lying to themselves. Heck, I still do. I could never imagine what it would be like to love the one I hate. I can never imagine what it would be like to be in love with you. And I pray that I will never have to find that out either.

I suppose me believing that doesn't exactly explain why I'm 'with' you. In fact, it makes it seem like you where the only person I would never end up with. Truthfully, you're the only person I would ever end up with; at least if everything where up to me. Ironic isn't it?

Of course I'm sure that you feel the same way too. Why else would you have come to me? I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that you could have just about anyone you wanted. Who doesn't want a handsome, rich, asshole for a boyfriend these days? 

Yet you came to me. I still remember the feeling of shock that rushed through my body when I opened the door to find you there, soaked, which was amusing since it hadn't been raining. I asked you about that before anything else. Your reply to this day still entertains me. You told me "I thought it would be fun to see if I could drown in a fish pond. It didn't work to well as you can see." 

Sarcastic as usual. You never did tell me exactly why you where soaking from head to toe. I still wonder about that from time to time, but in the end I figure it had something to do with Mokuba. 

"Why are you here?" I had asked you and you had looked down at your feet. You do that a lot now when you're around me. Ashamed to be with me, are you? I know you probably are. I'm not ashamed to be with you. Disgusted, maybe, but never ashamed.

What you had said next startled me. I was pleased in a perverse sort of way. "I want to lose control," you had said, and the words where like sugar. I couldn't believe it, you of all people wanted to lose control. I think I laughed then, actually I know I did. 

The next time I looked at you, you where glaring at me in a 'what's-so-damn-funny?' way that people have whenever they're angry. I must admit I miss getting that look from you. 

Even though I knew then exactly what you had meant when you told me you wanted to lose control, I asked you to elaborate. Your glare became fiercer; I think you knew I understood what you meant. Still you explained. With each phrase you took a step closer, "I want to have something where I'm not the one who makes the decisions. I want something where I can relax while someone else handles everything. I want something where I don't have to worry if everything is going to go as planed every second of everyday. They only way I will ever have that is if I'm with you."

I took a step forward also. You where close, but not close enough for what you where implying. "So is the master willing to hand over the control to its so-called-weak dog?" I asked, my eyes where locked to your own azure ones. I never noticed before exactly how they could engulf a person. I was always too busy being angry to let them swallow me.

"I believe the master already did that a while ago," You snorted then, I suppose it was out of habit, "the master just didn't want to admit it had already been done."

"Fair enough," was all the answer I had given you before pressing my lips to yours. I was by no means gentle with you. In fact, I believe I must have been a little too rough. 

Your muscles where tense, and you where making some odd sort of noise. It wasn't a whimper, grunt, sigh or anything really. It was a mixture of many things that there was really no way to define it. You never did kiss me back.

I pulled away from you, and looked into your cerulean orbs. They where impassive as usual, but for once it actually bothered me. I couldn't tell what you where thinking right then. I couldn't see the anger and disgust that I'm sure was flowing through your veins. You where empty with a small scowl on your face. It what you looked like when you duel. I suppose that's what you consider 'this', a duel of mind rather then cards.

I kissed you again, this time being gentler but it was still detached. You muscles clamped up as they had the first time I kissed you, and they have done that every time after that. You always part your lips allowing my tongue to slip in and dominate your mouth.

However, you still have never kissed me back. Not even after four months of this so-called-relationship have you returned my kisses. I never thought about that before.

I look down at you; your head currently lying in my lap and your arms falling off the side of the couch. You're there with me, but it's like we're afraid to hold each other. "Kaiba," I say.

You make no effort to move your head or even bother to speak with me. Instead all get is a small 'hn' sound you have the habit of making. With a sigh I lift your head up to look at me. You frown.

I believe I'm smiling now. I think that because of the confused look on your face. I lean in and press my lips against yours, soothingly. That surprises you, I can tell by the way you tense more then normal. I can be gentle when I kiss you, but never have I kissed you like I actually meant it. Not that I actually mean that now.

Your muscles relax to a little below the normal edgy level that they have. As I was expecting, your lips part of me, but I deny the invitation. For once I feel like really kissing you because it's what I want, and not the frenzied sort of accord we had made.  

For some reason, the knowledge that you have never kissed me back makes me want to kiss you more. I suppose it's sort of a challenge to see if I can actually get you to return it for once. 

Feeling short of breath, I pull back. My eyes lingered closed for a moment. Strange, I don't even remember closing them. I've never done it before. You look at me; your piercing blue fire eyes back to their normal void state. The scowl that you wear on your face is deeper then normal. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

"What was that?" You ask me. Right now I'm leaning more towards the bad side then the good. The tone in your voice suggests that you're upset with me.

"I don't know," my answer is truthful. I don't know why I did it, really. I had the urge so I went with it. 

You're silently peering at me, which is unnerving. It's like you know there's something that I'm not telling you. What it is, I don't know myself. "You've never kissed me back."  I find myself saying. I wonder why I said it. My lips and voice just appear to be working on their own right now.

"I know," You say, I frown. "If I did that would mean I was attached." I don't want to be attached. I know you wanted to say that, but I know you thought it would hurt me.

Honestly, it would too. "This was supposed to be a release, not a relationship Katsuya," that hurt. You know it did too. I don't know why it hurt, but it did. Perhaps I didn't know as much about our 'relationship' as I thought I did. I thought I was the one in control, the one that was detached and non-benefiting from this whole ordeal. I suppose we've both been wrong about that all along.

I really do want to be with you. I hate you, but I want to be with you. I suppose that makes me insane now. No, it doesn't. In truth, the reason I hate you is because I want to be with you. Figures.

Words fall out of your mouth in a faint mutter, I didn't catch what they where. I was too busy kicking myself. Your lips brush against mine, it is I who tense this time, it was you who was kissing me.

_Maybe a relationship wouldn't be so bad. _

~*~*~

Eh… that didn't work as well as I thought it would. *shrugs* Last part, as you could probably guess, is what Seto said before he kissed Jou. ^^v

I hope everyone enjoyed it, if not, sorry. It's what happens when you attempt to write when you have writer's block. *sigh* 

Review if you wish. ^_~


	2. Cause and Effect

Cause and Effect

Warnings: Shonen-ai and mentioned suicide attempt.

Rated: PG-13

Ah yes, I found myself nearing a nervous breakdown and I had an epiphany. Okay so it's nothing life altering, but I did come to realize on things. This story is not complete. You only have one side of what happened, from the person who knows the least about the situation. So here you go, Seto's personal assessment on his relationship with everyone's favorite canine. It is the same as the last part but in a different person's prospective, so if you see something repeated, it's meant to be that way. 

~*~*~

I'm sure if anyone knew exactly what went on between us, they would ask a lot of questions; questions in which I'm also sure that you could not answer. You would have to lie to your friends, say things that never really happened. The story of how we got together would have to be a lot different. And I'm sure you would never tell your friends that we have yet to have true kiss.

That's probably why you haven't said anything to them. Not Yugi, not Honda, not Anzu and not even the little British boy, Ryou. None of them even know that we see each other just about every night. 

You probably tell them that you're going out on dates, or you say nothing and they figure it's an awkward stage you're going through. They'd probably believe the latter easier then you actually managing to get a date every night of the week for four months strait. At least without them actually meeting whoever this 'mystery person' was. 

Yes, and I do mean 'person'. You had never appeared to be the strait-as-an-arrow type to me. Just something about the air around you implied something completely different. Or perhaps I put too much thought into every situation. I've been told that more then once by Mokuba who seems to think I'm obsessive compulsive about being in control.

What would Mokuba say if he heard I was with you? There are two possibilities that I could think of. One he would completely flip out, shun me for a while then realize that I need it or the second, not really care. He'd probably think that it was better I was clinging to something aside from my work. 

But am I really clinging to you? I never really thought about it. The day I had come to you, I had tried to end my life. I don't know why I did it. Impulse really. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. That was until I realized that I would be leaving Mokuba with no one to take care of him. 

I blamed my suicide attempt on lack of sleep. It is after all a logical explanation. Humans, I chuckle inwardly, we all do crazy things when our minds and bodies haven't had any rest. Who would've thought that mine would lead me to suicide? 

Which brings me to something that I've never explained to you before, and probably won't unless it's inside my mind. I wasn't lying when I said I tried to drown myself in a fishpond. Okay, that's only half true. It was more like a river. 

I suppose you where right about one thing; it did have to do with Mokuba. The reason I'm still breathing today at least. If he hadn't have been alive and there for me to worry about I would probably be at the bottom of the river right now. 

Then again maybe I would've thought of you and that would've kept me alive. I don't know how it would've, but it might have. 

You see you where what appeared in my mind as I took the rocks out of my pockets, and exited the waters. At that time I didn't understand why exactly I had thought of you, but I understand it now. You where my alternate for release, or rather, you are. 

I didn't need to end my life because I could simply go to you. It doesn't make sense, I know. Even I am still contemptuous about the matter. I really could've gone to someone else, anyone else, preferably someone that I found less annoying. Not that I've found you annoying since then. You've been different, normally really. 

Yes at anytime I could go to someone else if I really wanted to. I could've gone to Yugi, Anzu or maybe even Ryou who would probably love me as they do in those romantic comedies that the masses find so appealing. In my opinion personal opinion, they're appalling. If I wanted the sort of love that you had with Honda, I could've gone to him. I would've had the buddy-buddy affection that you two seem to have. I have a feeling he wouldn't have accepted me if I had gone to him. He did have you after all, why would he need me to care for? Then if my apparently suicidal impulsive side had gotten the better of me again, I could've gone to Malik. Seeing how I am still alive and breathing, it has yet to do so.

Of all of those people I had gone to you. You are the one person I could guarantee I would not fall for, and wouldn't fall for me. I've been thus far. I don't love you, but I don't hate you like I used to. I like you. 

I can't really explain the kind of like that it is. For all I know it could be acceptance, friendship or actually the feeling in which some describe as love or if you where younger it would be said that I perhaps 'like, like' you. I'm not really sure what it is.

I know that I no longer feel ashamed when you kiss me. When I tense up it's more the nervousness of actually growing fond of the feeling of your lips against mine then discomfort as it used to be. Funny how people change? Or maybe I have just grown used to it. That's what I try to tell myself but when you do kiss me, I'm sure it's not the case. Now I find you affections no matter how empty or full of hate they are they comfort me. 

So I have chosen you, and have chosen to stay with you. In I sick sort of I was, I presume you could go as far as to say that I am 'happy' with you. What do we know of happiness anyways? This could be the closest that we ever get to it, true happiness.

That doesn't sound so bad. I find myself content lying here with my head in your lap, but you're not holding me. I pause and thinking over that last part again. You're not holding me. For some reason it's hard for me to feel comfortable anymore, so I frown.

"Kaiba," You say and I wonder if you noticed the change in the air. I could feel myself become nervous. It was strange; I'm never nervous, least of all around you.

"Hn?" Was the only reply I dare to give you. Much unexpectedly you gently cup the sides of my face with your hands, lifting it up so I look at you. And I do, right into those beautiful amber eyes of yours. I frown again. I shouldn't be enjoying any affection from you. This is meant to be release for me, a way to let go. I'm not meant to enjoy this.

You smile at me. I'm at a loss. You never smile at me, and you're doing it so brightly right now. You lean in closer to me, pressing your lips against mine in a way you have never done before. It's hard to explain, because I have no words to explain something so, so, loving. 

My body stiffens. I know you expect it. Right now I wish I could relax, but I can't seem to. You have my brain in shambles right now, completely lost in the mockery of trying to figure out what the hell is going on. 

I do the only thing that I'm used to; the only thing that I could think of at the moment. I part my lips for you, just as I have always done. You deny. In all these long days you have never denied such a thing.

Instead, your eyes slip closed almost peacefully. I want to panic, but I know it would do me no good. What good did panicking every do anyone, anyways? None at all, that's what. So I sit here and wait for you to pull away.

When you do, I place a deep scowl on my face before asking, "What was that?"

"I don't know," I could tell that you weren't lying, but it only it made it that stranger in my mind.

You suddenly look frightened, though I can't understand why. "You've never kissed me back," then it all became clear with those simple words. You're afraid that you beginning to enjoy this, you're afraid like I'm afraid. We don't want to admit what is there and it scares the hell out of both of us.

"I know," I say, you frown. "If I did that would mean I was attached," I don't want to be attached. I couldn't say the last part. It wasn't true and would be pointless to even say it out loud. I am attached to you, even though I don't want to admit it I have to.

"This was supposed to be a release, not a relationship Katsuya," I don't know why I'm saying this. You flinch at my words. I'm hurting you, and you don't even bother to hide it, which hurts me.

You're silent now. Again I want to panic. It's an uncomfortable silence, one that I hadn't brought upon myself. Then again I probably deserve to feel uncomfortable right now. 

I'm such an ass. I know I shouldn't care if I make you feel bad. You're supposed to mean nothing to me. I hate how nothing ever works out the way that you plan them. 

The look on your face is painful, as if you're about to cry. I didn't know what else to do, so I said the truth. "Maybe I relationship wouldn't be so bad," I say purposely so you wouldn't understand me. You look at me, confused, your eyes blinking open and closed a few times. I push myself forward and kiss you.

I hate you for doing this to me, and I know you feel the same way. You love me still, I can feel it as you return my kiss as I had never done to you before. 

~*~*~

I think I did Jou's part better. Oh well. Please review! They help authors to grow!


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